Today marks the fourth anniversary of Everybody Draw Muhammad Day, a glorious holiday where infidels of all religions come together to depict the prophet Muhammad (even though a bunch of people really don’t want them to).
But how did this holiday come about?
Well it all starts in the croft of the Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow church in Kinston, North Carolina…
Four years and two days ago, 6-year old Sally Mae Long of Kinston, North Carolina drew a picture of Jesus during her Sunday School class:
She was so proud of it that she asked Miss Lucy, the Sunday School teacher, if she would send it to Jesus for her.
Miss Lucy took the picture and pretended to examine it thoroughly, squinting her eyes and bringing it closer to her face slowly. Then, after silently nodding three times to herself, her eyes widened a bit and she authoritatively declared to Sally Mae, “Why yes, I think he will absolutely love this!”
And he did!
Oh how he did!
Four years ago to this very day, as Jesus ruffled through the monotonous catalogues and coupons and waited for Muhammad to finish making coffee, he stumbled upon it sandwiched between the slightly ruffled pages of a never-to-be-read Crate & Barrel’s Guide to Fall.
“Why how wonderful!” he exclaimed, holding the picture in both hands and raising it to the fluorescent light of the kitchen. “Why how wonderful indeed!”
“Another one?” Muhammad asked, the coarseness of his voice amplified by the traces of deep sleep still clinging to his throat.
“Yes! And how beautiful! Look at the color!” Jesus remarked, affixing it with a small Long & Foster Real Estate magnet to the last bare patch on their outdated and unkempt refrigerator’s door. “This might be my favorite of them all,” he decided, poring over the collage of similar hand-drawn masterpieces.
“It’s fine I guess,” Muhammad mumbled. He thrust a blue and yellow ‘World’s Best Savior’ mug towards his roommate, the steam carelessly wafting between them.
“What’s the matter, old friend?” Jesus pondered as he lifted the coffee mug to his face, causing his voice to resemble the fairly-accurate impression he did of his Dad.
“It’s just…I don’t know…”
Muhammad pretended to be studying the label of the milk bottle he was holding in his hand.
“It’s just…Why don’t I ever get pictures sent to me?! It’s not fair!”
“You know why,” his friend calmly replied.
“I NEVER SAID TO NOT DRAW ME! I NEVER SAID THAT! The Quran says, ‘Allah is the originator of the heavens and the earth… [there is] nothing like a likeness of Him,’ and there’s some stuff we plagiarized from your Dad about idolatry but that’s it!”
Muhammad was now gesturing wildly, the milk bottle still in hand, its cap doing its best to prevent a testing of the old adage about crying and spilt milk.
“I know, but you have to understand…” Jesus began
“Understand what?” Muhammad cut in, “that people just blow up simple ideas into these grand notions and then claim them to be facts and laws?! I can’t stand it!”
Jesus slowly but intently put a hand upon his fuming friend’s shoulder. He paused for a brief moment, secretly reflecting on his own mixed feelings about his followers’ strict adherence to metaphorical scripture. After a half-resigned sigh, he met his friends stare and said, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
“But isn’t there something we can do?” Muhammad implored, a shallow well of tears forming in his eyes.
Jesus stroked his beard methodically.
“Hmm…I might have an idea…”
And that’s how we began celebrating Everybody Draw Muhammad Day!
Originally posted on The Daily Banter on May 20, 2014